Lessons: I need other people

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Because of  my own pride I wasted months of feeling horrible. I was too ashamed to talk to my doctor for fear that he would think I was a complainer who wanted attention.

Because of my independence I spend days dragging my body around to only half-heartedly take care of my kids when there are lists of people who thoroughly enjoy my children and would love spending a day with them.

Because of my inward focus, my pain is magnified.

Because of my need to do everything for myself, I dropped my son when my arms became too weak to lift him out of his car seat.

Because of my unwillingness to ask for help I have felt miserable and alone.

Because I refuse to let anyone else take over my daily tasks, I snap at my husband and children out of frustration.

But…

Because of my husbands love and concern for me I have sought help. At the onset of my most severe symptoms, I ignored them and hoped they would go away. I had been to my family doctor at least once a month and been through a painful sinus surgery that made me worse so my husband finally encouraged me to dig a little deeper.  My husband has been my driving force to keep going.

Because my sister wasn’t willing to let me settle for mediocre answers, I am looking for the right diagnosis. After months of still being sick with sinus and respiratory infections and coming to the end of options because I was taking the strongest antibiotic my insurance would pay for I started looking for other possibilities. With a suggestion from my sister I found information about a link between sinus infections and autoimmune diseases.

Because of my mom’s willingness to serve I have been able to go to all of my doctor’s appointments without worry of who will take care of my kids.  Silence to gather my thoughts and discuss my options has been priceless.

Because of the guidance and attention of a caring doctor I have found the right path to hopefully start feeling better soon.

Because of the prayers and encouragement of friends and family I have found the strength to keep going when I just wanted to give up.

Because of the grace of God, I do not have to be independent, alone, helpless, proud, ashamed or self-focused.  God has given me an amazing abundance of Christian family and friends who have overwhelmed me in generosity and love.  To resist this is to ignore a generous gift from the One who loves me more than any other.  So…lesson learned: I need other people.

 

 

 

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Present

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I’ve been a little absent from my blog lately. In fact, I’ve been a little absent from my life in general. I have been sleeping a lot.  I’ve been avoiding friends.  I have been too exhausted for many of the things I used to do.  I haven’t been playing with my kids as much.  I haven’t been cooking for my family.  So what have I been doing?

I have been mostly keeping quiet about my health issues. After nothing was found from any of my tests, I honestly began to feel like I was looking for a problem that didn’t really exist.  I felt horrible, but since no one could find the problem within a reasonable amount of time, I began to think maybe I was imagining the whole thing. I didn’t even want to talk to my doctor anymore because I was sure I would end up seeing a psychiatrist instead. I was there to see him once a week, presenting him with a new problem.  All my tests had come back fine but I was gradually feeling worse and last week I got to the point that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. My husband reminded me that it can’t be in my head…it’s on my skin, it’s in the bottle after bottle of antibiotics I have consumed.  And just because pain is not as documentable, does not mean it is not there.  And just because they haven’t found why my body hates me so much right now, doesn’t mean there is not a reason.

So many people keep asking about me.  They see that I have lost weight.  They know I am skipping social events.  They are aware that I am sick more than the average person.  But somehow I think I can throw them off by slapping on a big grin and replying, “I’m doing great” when they ask the natural question, “How are you?”.  But a long time spiritual mentor wouldn’t let me get by with that last week.  He knew better and wouldn’t walk away until I confessed.  When it all spilled out, I felt better. And he talked me down from wanting to give up and just live with whatever this is. And he reminded me that others have gone through the same thing and have made it out on the other side. It made me want to keep going.

The other night I poured my heart out to a sweet friend who has been battling breast cancer for the past year.  I confessed to her my struggle with being absent and her encouraging response gave me a new outlook.  She shared with me some advice that a friend had shared with her…

What do you know? You know what God has called you to today: you are a wife, a mother, a daughter, a christian…do those things and do your best. What else do you know? You know the last day! This is the day you will be glorified in Heaven with our Savior. This is a good day. Everything in the middle of those two days is not to be worried about! DON’T focus on them and don’t WORRY about them!!!

So currently, all I know is the present.  That is all I can deal with.  I know that I have people who love me.  I know that I have family to take care of.  I know I have a life to live and a future victory to live for even if they never find out what is wrong and if I never actually get any better.  I just keep living for what I have and what I have been called by God to do.  I no longer have the choice to hide, to be absent, because I have been called by God to be present.