As I have become very familiar with the inside of my family doctor’s office, I can’t help but recall the same frustrated feelings I felt three years ago when we searched for answers for our baby girl. In for an appointment full of anticipation, out with no pertinent news feeling drained and disappointed. But last Tuesday I noticed more similarities than I would have ever wanted to admit.
Last Tuesday, my husband and I traveled to Columbus for what I thought was going to be the answer to all of my problems. I had anxiously awaited my visit for almost a month, dragging myself through daily activities and pushing through pain because I knew there was coming a day when a miraculous healer would gather all my symptoms in a nice compact package and take them far away with some magic pill. For an entire month this appointment was everything to me. There were days I simply thought I could not make it another second waiting for that day.
When it finally arrived, that day felt promising and full of life. Gathering all of my paperwork gave me energy. Looking up addresses and reviewing my list of questions gave me purpose. But when we were merely 20 minutes from our destination we came upon an accident that had traffic backed up for miles. Sitting for two minutes made me begin to worry but after ten I felt my breath quicken and tears gathering in my eyes. “What if we are too late and they cancel my appointment?” I asked David. “What if we can’t get back in for another month?” But worse than the feeling of worry and anxiety, was the rising reminder that my actions were not displaying the trust I needed to have in God. But as I fought against my fears all I could manage to do was convince myself that the doctor couldn’t do that to me since it wasn’t my fault…I didn’t deserve to be removed from the patient list. But I failed to realize that no matter what happened, God knew what I actually deserved and yet He was looking out to give me what was best.
We arrived safely and comfortably to the medical center, went through the routines of signing in and I was promptly invited back to a room. Questions were asked, charts were reviewed, options were given and tests were ordered. But when I could tell that the doctor was wrapping things up and starting to make her exit, I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. Where was my miraculous healer? Where was my magic pill? All emotions broke loose as we left the parking lot. “I can’t do this anymore,” I said exasperated. “I don’t want to be sick for my brother’s wedding. Why couldn’t she just help me?”
I felt helpless and found my only option was to give in to despair and so I cried most of the way home. But as highway gave way to our neighborhood roads, God opened my heart and poured in a small portion of deep wisdom. And at this point I began to see the similarities from our medical struggle three years ago. Three years ago I refused to give control to God. I read books, I reviewed methods, I studied statistics and I researched doctors. I convinced myself that my baby would be okay because she had the best doctor and the odds were in her favor. I laid awake worrying. I threw my hands up in frustration and I flat out refused on some occasions to pray. And here I stand with three years worth of godly wisdom under my belt, facing the same ugly truth…I do not trust God. I have read articles, I have self-diagnosed, I have chased after doctors and searched for treatments. I have panicked over minor inconveniences and I have worried about what people think of me. I have given up and I have flat out refused to pray on many occassions
But the ultimate conclusion I came to that day was not one of self-condemnation or pitiful regret but of hope. God has seen my weakness and given me a second chance. I do wish I had done things differently when my daughter went through the medical wringer but that was not the end. God in his abundant mercy saw that I did not trust Him and chose not to leave me that way. And though I sought to be made physically well, my God chose something greater for me and has given me the path toward being spiritually well.