Moving to Michigan has totally destroyed my theology…but it needed to be done. Having to pick up and move my life away from all that I knew and loved made me an emotional wreck. At any given point I would have done anything to be free of the soul crushing pain I experienced to have to give up my job, my family, my friends and my home. But through the whole process I was looking for a way to get what I wanted. I wanted to be able to go back. I wanted to be able to erase everything that everyone said and did that brought us here and I wanted to go on living my life exactly the same way that I was. But God had something better and that involved tearing down my theology…to rebuild it again in the way that He knew was true and right. Although I could say that I knew God and his ways…I wasn’t living in a way that proved that. God broke apart my life so that he could remove these wrong beliefs about life and about Him.
1. I acted as if man could thwart the plans of God. If asked I would have affirmed with certainty that God is always in control and that God’s plans could never be changed by the actions of man or any other force. But in action, I was living as if one sin against me or one wrong decision would erase me from the good plan God had set, and send me on the path of darkness and defeat…away from Him. When we left Ohio, I had a long list of “what ifs” that when followed to completion all seemed better than what was actually happening. I was living as if God had been thrown a curve ball that he just could not hit and I was having to make do with what was left after choices were made and positions were filled and everyone else moved on. Faced square on with the pain of all of this I had to make a choice…would I live in the misery of what could have been…or would I move on knowing that God knew exactly what he was doing all along even in the midst of mistakes and broken promises?
2. I acted as if Plan B was an option. In focusing so strongly upon what went “wrong” and what could have gone “right” I found myself living as if God’s Plan A had been thrown off course and I was then stuck with Plan B. But if my theology was how it should have been, I would have seen that there was never any Plan B. God’s plan remains as it always was from the beginning of time… all the days ordained for me were written in [His] book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16). He is sovereign. But His plans aren’t just the way they are because He is in control and He can do whatever He wants (although that is true as well)…His plans are the way they are because He wants what is good for us and what will bring the most glory to Him.
3. But I acted as if God did not always have my good and His glory in mind. My theology had become so rough around the edges that I was living as if having to do something I didn’t want to, meant that God was no longer looking out for my good. It was absurd for me to be living that way because I knew that particular concept not even to be true in parenting. I make my kids clean the living room because I want them to learn responsibility. I punish my kids when they disobey because it is good for them to learn the submission that will later be reflected in their relationship with God. I am not doing these things because I want to cause them pain…I am doing it because I know it is best for them. I am doing it for their good. God doesn’t send me through an awful experience just to watch me suffer. He does have my good in mind, even if it hurts…and ultimately His glory is seen through His sovereign actions.
In order for me to know God better and to form a better knowledge of Him, He saw best that I be removed from the situation I was in. He saw that I needed to be broken and torn apart to be formed into a vessel He could use. Most of all, He saw that my theology was wrong…so He used moving to Michigan to destroy it so He could build it again as it should be.